Looking In

2003-07-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

Hey, folks! I know I've been away and I know you don't visit this blog anymore (you shouldn't visit, I don't deserve a word from you). Ok, but I won't let you here alone anymore, I promise. I'm in a new blog (in portuguese), Another Monster
and building a new english blog, you can see it in Just Me
. I'm waiting you there. Hugs and kisses! I miss you much!

2003-02-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

Hey, Pals!! I am traveling right now but I'm still alive. Visiting my sister.

2002-11-19T23:18:00.000-08:00

My nephew number 4 is born! (they're numerated to make the identification easier) Nestling of my brother who lives in São paulo. I wanna see him, I wanna see him, I wanna see him!!! He promised send us the baby's pictures today but he didn't yet. But I know he is pretty, all my nephews are pretty, it's genetic... :) I wnna seeeee him!!! Well, it is a great news, I love being aunt, I love babies, I love children and take care of them.

November 15, 2002 20:20 P.M

Note:

My nephew is pretty, as I already knew. He looks like my brother which means he's wonderful. Mild, tender, and so cute!!! My brother sent me 15 pictures in two days. He takes pictures of the baby all the time. How many pictures this kid will have when he gets 15 years old?

November, 20

2002-11-19T23:16:00.000-08:00

I'm happy! I'm happy" I'm veeeeeeeeryyy happy!!!

I had a friend who lived in Brasilia and we lost contact almost three years ago. I found some old letters and I decided to reread them. Then I felt that absurd nostalgia...and I decided write her a new letter. Before post it I looked for her phone number to assure that she still lives there. After a whole day of incessants searches I did remember a very old phone book that I saw inside of the office someday, while I fed Bianca (she sleeps there, the office is outside home, on the veranda). I had no doubt: wake up the poor kitty to take the phone book. I was right, the phone number, on "C" letter, "Carol". I called.

- Hello? I'm talking to...
- Tania- I recognized her mom's voice.
. - I'd like to talk to Carol.- Pause
- Carolina doesn't live here anymore.
- Oh, she doesn't?
- No, Carolina married and now she lives in Texas.

What??? It was completely surreal....well, to be brief: I talked to her mom, she gaves me Carol's e-mail and I started writing the e-mail, I had the weird certainty that she would ignore me but the truth is that this certainty was weird coz it wasn't a certainty, it was fear.
The most intelligent part of me knew that she should be needing a friend just as I was... I kept the weapons aside and started writing, with an open and sincere heart. She is one of a few people who really know me, at fact who knew me after 98 doesn't know me coz I don't show me. I wasn't like that before, I didn't have this "protection mask" I produced. Carol first met at 96, I was 16 and she was 14, we became best friends on 98. On the end of 99 I stopped talking to her. No, don't ask me why, I don't know, 99 was an weird year to me, I was almost crazy...more than I really am.
I sent the e-mail last night. Today I went to my orthodontist and then started raining (finally) and I hide myself on the first cybercafé that I found. Then I checked my e-mails...what a surprise! An e-mail from Carol...the subject: "No words". It begins:

" Hi, Nessa.
I couldn't believe when I received your e-mail, it seems like 20 years. But it doesn't coz I'm only 20.
Was incredibly great that you write me now, there's no better time to me to know what "need help" means, and what is to need conversation and someone who really understand us."

I couldn't believe in that great receptivity!!! Really, I was euphoric and replied instantly. I hope I hadn't suffocate her with my euphoria, but I couldn't avoid...oh, my....my friend exist!!! That's how I finished the first e-mail I sent her:

"I know much time passed by (Hey! Wasn't that much) and I know that much things happened (Hey! Wasn't that much), that you're changed, I'm changed, but are we still the same? Even with so many changes from the both sides would we be good friends? Help me find the answers. Please!!! Write me.
You don't need to write much, I just wanna know how are you, talk about, if you want to. How about it?
I hope you check your e-mail box daily, then I would receive the reply before I bite one's fingernails because of my anxiety....laughs...

WRITEEEEEE!!!!!!

I really miss you.

your ingrate friend,

Van "

I guess now I've found the answers. And they're all positive...thank God. Relief.

October, 18, 2002 04:12 A.M

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Note: We talk almost everyday by ICQ. Actually we're still updating the conversation.... :)

2002-11-19T13:29:00.000-08:00

Fred, I've got some problems with my other e-mail (vanessastella@bol.com.br), that's why I asked you to reply my e-mails to the other adress (vanstella@uol.com.br). I read your e-mail, but I couldn't answer because of the problems with bol, but I'll do. And, people,the site "vanspictures" is out of line, isn't working for a while.
I'm on a cybercafe and I need to go home. I did translate some posts (finally!!!) and will post here in the late of night. My new ICQ # is: 172590018 .

2002-11-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

But you know that I love you, guys, don't you? And I miss you much. Hey, Fred! Did you receive my e-mail? Reply to: vanstella@uol.com.br all the mails to this address, ok?

2002-11-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

Alright, after centuries without coming here (probably these place is as empty as a desert) I'm back! Actually I must translate my posts but I guess you're tired to read that I'll do it and notice that I never do. I won't make any empty promise to be broken, if I got some time I'll try to translate something, you know I'm a little bit lazy... No, no, I'm having tests on university then even if I want it I have no time to translate a thing, then it become an obsolete blog, sorry....yeah, belive it, I'm so so so so sorry!!!! Well, not that sorry :)

2002-10-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

Hello, people. I'd like to know if you use to check the links. Did you ever seen my pictures? I updated that site and there's some new pictures there. Well I've been busy and I haven't had time to translate the vansblog's posts and then I decided to create a new and fresh post especially for you guys....but the point is I have nothing to say...really I don't feel much comfortable here, maybe because I don't write very well in english I just can't be natural coz I need to pay attention in each word, in each letter I type. And I use to write a lot...in portuguese...of course, it's my language and I feel more comfortable writing, it's natural, I don't need stopping to think about that letter or quote, I just write. And I don't know if you know, but english is a little bit easier than portuguese because of our gramatical rules. I don't speak spanish, I don't write in spanish, I don't even understand spanish..."But it isn't simmilar to portuguese?" you may ask. Yeah, it is, but it's also so much different. And they speak so much fast, it sounds like greek to me. I understand english better than I can understand spanish. At fact I can understand even italian and a little bit of germain, but spanish sounds weird to me. Do any of you understand portuguese? Do any of you know anything about Brazil?

2002-09-19T23:38:00.000-07:00

Posted : August,04, 2002. 03:40 A.M

Today I went to Andre's birthday with Anna Paula. We had fun, but I didn't like a guy, I guess his name is Luiz, an ignorant academic of veterinary (You can see how much I loved that guy, can't you?) that doesn't like cats...at fact he mishandles cats...as everybody knows if you don't like cats you don't like me...I have no much problem with those who just doesn't like this felines and doesn't make anything against them, but I have problems with those who mishandles them and tell it to everybody like it was a huge advantage, it's inhuman, it's cruel, it's disgusting. In my opinion those who own this conduct also own emotional troubles, they just can't deal with their affectivity and get anger coz they see in cat a freedom and security that just can't find inside of themselves...well about this point I'm ok. The care, love and attention that I receive from Nermal (my cat) are unique as the security he tranmits to me, the sincerity and independence, something like: "i wanna go there and stay alone now, but it doesn't mean that I don't love you". He is sure of my love, no matter what and he is certain of my certainty about his love, anyway. An insecure person loves the dependent Pet, without self-pride, without self-love....you can beat in this pet and it will be by your side at the next second...and cats are not that kind of pet... I identify with these felines, I'm just like them. I love, but I don't need to be jumping aroud the loved one all the time to prove it (it doesn't mean that I, like any other cat, cannot be swwet like honey on my love's demonstrations sometimes), I'm independent, strong, kind, sensitive, distrustful, wild, prudent, intelligent, curious... maybe I should've got that absolutely certain they have that they're just the best but someday I'll get there...lol...
Maybe that's why I think it's hard to find someone interested in "face the beast"...it's totally easier deal with normal girls, "decipherables", moulded to life. I sneak out through the walls, agile. I need someone emotionally mature, secure, who could understand and accept me...at least that's what everybody wants. Oh, and I have to find him handsome ( if I don't find who will?) and he must like cats, of course, other way, no way.
Oh, yeah, and the despicable saying that "Cats are disgusting" - I said: "Frogs are disgusting" - And him: "No, frogs are repulsive to touch, but cats doesn't take bath, dogs are always clean, are always taking shower" -- I said: --" What?? You can bath a cat, but don't need coz they're self-cleaners"-- Then he said, with some nausea-looking : --" They clean themselves with their tongues"--And I: --"Hey! Don't be ignorant, please, do you know what is on cat's tongues? It's not like your tongue, listen, are you sure you want to be veterinary? Are you really academic? Do you go to the university? Doesn't seems..." ---and he was totally shy--: "Yes I do" -- "Are you sure? Do you frequent classrooms?"--And the ass:-- "I just begun these semester" --Then I finished the topic : --"Oh, yeah...then better stop by now if you wanna keep a good public image." ... How Tapir!!! Poor tapirs, were insulted now. Well, surely he loved me...if he likes me as much as I liked him probably I'll never have to look into that unfortunate criature's face again. Thank God!

2002-09-19T03:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, I had a problem... I'll try to explain: I've got some inflammation on my finger's joint and it hurts a lot...then I could't write or even get near a Pc...lol...well I guess I'll post tomorrow some translated posts of my original blog...at least it's what I'm planning....but it's all up to my fingers...

2002-09-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

Know what? I decided translate some posts of my blog here...what do you think? Even if you don't understand some stuffs like some comment about the elections (We will choose the next president of Brazil) or whatever. What do you think? At least we will have more updated posts...

2002-09-15T21:00:00.000-07:00

Hey, Fred!! Well it could be a rule, couldn't it? But now I'm more hopeful about it, especially after what you said, coz it may be true about him, maybe he still cares, but jus't doesn't shows... well, but I'm not in love with him, just concerned because he doesn't treat me like he used to treat.I don't know.

2002-09-09T00:27:00.000-07:00

Hello, I'm sleepy but I want to talk about something... well, my friend Anna and I went to church today (hey, it's sunday!) and we saw Yuri (her friend-almost-more-than-friend) and my Evander...ok, he isn't mine yet, but I'm a part of his life... four years ago he was in love with me... I didn't know, just find out later, but he told me something about the girl he was in love, he said they're so much different and that's why it couldn't work,etc,etc...and I could never imagined that I was that girl (he called her "Little Princess")... I remember I said him things about her like: "Forget that girl, she doesn't deserves you, she may be stupid"...eh,eh,eh....how could I know? Well... today I guess there's no trace of that feeling in his heart ... and now I need somebody!!!!!! I remember when I had three, four boys in love with me and I used to ignore them... ok, I regreat now but you know, I was younger...and stupid... I lost my best chances, like a great boy named Diogo... he is in somewere between England and USA...lol... I guess he lives in USA, I don't know, we lost contact. And I wanna talk about that boy named Evander, he is great, gentle, nice, intelligent... and he doesn't care about me at all... well, I guess I made him suffer (I don't even know how, really) and my presence disturbs him... I'm writing this coz I saw him and I was wondering if the love he felt before had just vanished like it seems...and why am I worry about it?

2002-09-05T01:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm a little bit tired... everynight I walk through that street I feel my loneliness... yes, i'm down today...a little bit blue but I guess that's normal... See, there's a word in portuguese that exist only in portuguese, there's no similar word in any other language of the world, it is "Saudade" ..it's a feeling, maybe more than a feeling...when you feel saudade of someone who's far away or who's passed away it means you miss that person. You feel saudade when you care about, coz if you don't care the person may be miles away or in front of your door and it won't matter to you, but if you love someone and sudenlly you just can't reach that one you feel saudade. You can feel saudade of somebody, of somewhere or of some situation...you can feel saudade of the past, you can feel saudade of some feeling... it's that pain that hurts inside of you when you remember something and miss that so much that you can't express exactly what are you feeling...it's saudade. I'm feeling saudade right now...of my daddy, of my life before he's gone, of myself last year, of my father's hug, of his voice... I really miss him...and it hurts...it's saudade...

2002-08-25T00:45:00.000-07:00

Then I changed the template, there's no more pink stuff...forget about what I said before, ok? Then, let's invite people and go to sleep... Good night...see ya...

2002-08-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well, somethings you need to know: first off all I'm not in my normal state of mind because of my father's death on April, 8. I'm still recovering, but I'm almost ok. I'm studying and looking for a job, that's why I don't have much time to post, but I try to make my blogs updated as much as I can. You can know more about me seeing my profile...that's enough for today....kisses and hugs...as always...

2002-08-24T22:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, people, don't worry, it's a temporary template, I also hate this pink stuff, but I had to choose one before my own is ready. Just to you to know...

2002-08-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time (be prepared for the tale).... a little (?) princess borned in an iced castle and she lived there until a day she wanted to get out of the castle and know the world outside. The almighty King said her that if she wanted get out she should be prepared, coz the door would lock and she could never return to the castle.
But the little stubborn princess didn't listen her father and she went outside....but the outside was warm, dark and weird. She was scared and tried to get back to the castle but she couldn't. The door was locked and she stayed on the outside, on the warm, dark and scaring outside. She was lost and alone, she was condemned to live there forever...what could the princess done? Now I return to the real world: I'm feeling like that little princess...now try to understand my way of spirit by this metaphoric explanation... it sounds ridiculous, I know but I couldn't think about a better metaphor....

2002-08-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

Then...I did it... it's a relief...
Let's start this stuff and invite people to read it.

2002-08-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

Finally that's my blog in english... thank God I finally did it... but it's not a translated version of the other blog coz there's some posts there that will sound weird to those who lives out of Brazil. Ok, first of all I see blog like a place where I can write about myself...obviously, I know, but it means that the fact that other people are reading doesn't matter at all... it doesn't means I am not interest to know what you people think about my posts, but this won't guide my blog...
First of all you need to know that my english isn't that good...I learned it by myself, then you can't expect much of it... well..here I am... say hello, fred! You can understand what I'm writing...lol...it sounds great...
Alright, this is an "hi-post"...then, HI.

Kisses!!!!!

2002-07-10T02:22:00.000-07:00

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